Something to Pass the Time (REDACTIONS)

Oct 6, 2023
Dimitris Passas

Lament for my cock

Another effect of my multiple addictions and spells of various forms of abstruse mental illness, was a long-lived sexual impotence that, I now understand, cost me dearly. However, during the years which I was on the hook, I didn’t even take the time to acknowledge and assess that as a problem due to the persistent maelstrom of my life. Even morning glory became gradually a long-gone memory, and my dick couldn’t be convinced to take initiative for several years. It is true that this is a common side effect of drug addiction and mental illness too, at least in some cases, but the endurance of the whole thing overcame any sensible prognosis. Anyway, my interest in the opposite sex was now restricted to sad cases of solitary, platonic types of affection that never involved the other woman, not in any real way. Everything was played within the cerebral kingdom of my mind and imagination. The tons of porn I’ve watched throughout this period didn’t help in the slightest and, I think in hindsight, should have been expected. Only recently did my hibernated sexuality reared its head again and, I have to admit, I feel like a new man.

A lesson in love

““Brotherhood is the very price and condition of man’s survival.” (Carlos P. Romulo)

“There is a destiny which makes us brothers; none goes his way alone.” (Edwin Markham)

In lieu of an epilogue, I would like to confess a truth that I’ve never dared to acknowledge out loud, and it is only now that I can fully grasp its full extent and meaning. It concerns my beloved brother, Spyros, who was and still is my trusted comrade in life. Spyros was always a brilliant student with a knack for mathematics, hard science, and later philosophy/epistemology who entered the National Technical University of Athens with flying colors. After my father’s untimely demise, Spyros was at the age of 24, two years older than me, and he had already worked out his plans in respect to his academic and professional future that seemed to be brimming with limitless potential. My first encounter with mental illness (panic attacks) and then my ultimate immersion in hard drugs had a profound effect on him, so deep that only people who truly know what brotherhood means can fathom. As I was diving into the bottom with increasing velocity, Spyros experienced feelings of numbness and impotence as he realized that there was literally nothing that he could do to help me -A TRUE FACT- something that ignited an overpowering sense of desperation, a void in his soul that could in no way be filled. Thus, there was only one thing left for him to do. Something that equals definite proof of the most intense form of affection for his lost little brother. To follow him down to the bottom. Even though Spyros never had any contact with illegal substances, he underwent a radical transformation from a strong and reliable individual to a man who has lost what is most precious for him in life, marked with mental and emotional scars that weren’t his but mine. His life plans were the first but certainly not the only victim as there was not a single aspect of his life that wasn’t tarnished by my addiction. Spyros suffered all the soul-kicking torment that I was experiencing without ever touching any sort of chemicals. Even as I’m writing these lines, I feel shivers running down my spine when contemplating the scope of that reality. He did it just because sitting back and watching his brother delving deeper into the abysmal downward spiral was simply impossible. It was not a conscious decision of his to follow me down. It was a necessity dictated by his fiery soul which opted for its own drowning; it was preferable to endure the pain rather than remain impassive in respect to my predicament. The ultimate declaration of love and absolute tell-tale sign of Spyros’s feelings towards me that approximated identification, something way beyond the bonds imposed by blood relations. We may be two separate human beings but in fact, we are one and the same. We are bound together by a rope that is a thousand strands thick. When one suffers that much, the other will suffer too. It was unavoidable as it was the worst thing that could happen to me as for many years, I carried the burden of believing that, among all the other disasters in my life, I let my brother to an early grave, speaking metaphorically, totally unwillingly. However, until recently, the crux of the matter evaded me. It was the utmost lesson in love and a beacon of light for my future self, something that I shall never forget until my last breath. Fortunately, I was blessed to see him make his gutsy return a few years back, becoming a father of two gorgeous children and achieving huge professional success. Thank you, Spyros, you taught me everything there is to know about the transcendental nature of authentic brotherly love.

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